


Control

by Idreamofhazel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Boyking Sam, Gen, Headcanon, Meta, Sam Winchester Angst, demon blood sam, sam winchester's anger, sam's inner battle
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-23
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-09-25 14:00:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17122709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Idreamofhazel/pseuds/Idreamofhazel
Summary: “I am mad all the time, and I don’t know why.”I’ve been rewatching some early episodes, mainly the Sam/demon blood/boy king arc, and it got me thinking about Sam’s character now, how he would have dealt with the anger and fear of going back to being that way, and how that translates into the man we see on the screen now. So these are my observations, my “head canons,” if you will, on why Sam is the way he is as we see him in the recent seasons, and how he reacts internally to what’s said about him.





	Control

_He always says those kinds of pansy things_

If only Dean knew the other, more biting things he holds under his tongue.

_Yeah, he’s a health freak._

If only they knew the lengths he goes to keep himself pure, the lengths he runs to pound out the silent rage that builds and builds over time. He’s afraid it’s never really gone away.

_Huh, **Chief?**_

If only everyone realized that leadership was as terrifying to him as death. Actually, it was more.

_Don’t think that there’s anything, past or present, that I would put in front of you._

If only everyone remembered that there was a time he put himself before the entire world.

_Didn’t you, like, get possessed by Lucifer? And live? You’re a legend._

He thinks of himself more as an example of what not to do, a dark stain in the long history of legendary hunters.

_You’re a hero._

Anytime someone looks at him with surprise and awe, wondering where his surge of strength and skills comes from, he bites his tongue. It comes from deep within a chaotic, hungry place, which is why he brings it out so seldomly.

Whenever someone looks at him with fear, consumes his giant stature and overbearing presence, he makes himself smaller in their eyes. He can never be the source of their terror; he can never have someone look at him the way Dean did when neither of them knew what he would become.

Whenever other people call him the softer brother, the kinder brother, the more empathetic brother, inside he’s screaming _no_. Dean is soft, Dean is kind. Dean tries to hide it but he feels so much it leaks out through his eyes and the lines around his mouth.

No, he is not more of that than Dean. He is cold steel. He is cold rage. He is all of that locked tightly inside his core. And he is kind, and empathetic, and soft, because he has to be. Because if he wasn’t, he would be lethal.

So, primarily, above everything else–the impurity, the kindness, the strength, and the rage–Sam is control.


End file.
